Bumper Humor
The following humorous bumper stickers were posted on the Internet.
TIME IS WHAT KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE.
I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN.
IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY MADE WITH MEAT?
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS.
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM.
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE. VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE.
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE. VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE.
WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF "SMART"?
MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT.
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
I SMILE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
LOTTERY: A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AT MATH.
VERY FUNNY SCOTTY. NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES.
PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY.
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS.
WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
THREE KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T.
EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES.
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION; I CAN FIND IT MYSELF.
The Humor of Rodney Dangerfield
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over—there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home."
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he
pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness—after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up: What's wrong with me?"
He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
I told him, "If you don't mind I'd like a second
opinion." He said, "All right—you're ugly too!"
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look—twins!"
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Groucho Speaks!
I find television very educational.
Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my
resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy—and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
[To his dinner companion, looking at a bill]: This is outrageous! If I were you I wouldn't pay it!
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Remember men you are fighting for this lady's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
This is so simple a nine-year-old child could understand it. Run out and find me a nine-year-old child—I can't make head or tail of it.
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
The Wit and Wisdom of Will Rogers
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Politics is applesauce.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets
hold of a hammer.
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
[To his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo]:
See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
It's noble to be good, and it's nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble.
"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read.
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's I mean.
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
If a man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but it would deteriorate the cat.
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?
It is difference of opinion that makes horse races.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
When I was a boy of 14 my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learned in 7 years.
Heaven for climate, Hell for society.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
As to the adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Troubles are only mental; it is the mind that manufactures them, and the mind can forget them, banish them, abolish them.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.
Happiness ain't a thing in itself—it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant.
Optimist: day-dreamer more elegantly spelled.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
It is curious—curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.
No one is willing to acknowledge a fault in himself when a more agreeable motive can be found for the estrangement of his acquaintances.
I have been told that Wagner's music is a lot better than it sounds.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
All I care to know is that a man is a human being—that is enough for me; he can't be much worse.
It is difference of opinion that makes horse races.
It is best to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
The difference between the right word and the wrong word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
Get your facts first . . . then you can distort 'em as much as you please.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
The Humor of Henny Youngman
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window." "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get
pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way—a little wine, a little dinner. . . ."
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office.” Doctor: "Turn him around—make it look like he was walking in."
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I
swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know—you're the one who's working!"
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out
of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"
Take my wife—please!
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. . . . She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife has a black belt in shopping.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
All my wife does is shop. Once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one-way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
My wife told me the car wasn't running well—there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Two guys in a health club—one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
If I had blood, I'd blush.
A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.
I know a man in Fort Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?
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