A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over—there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home."
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he
pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness—after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up: What's wrong with me?"
He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
I told him, "If you don't mind I'd like a second
opinion." He said, "All right—you're ugly too!"
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look—twins!"
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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