Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Politics is applesauce.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets
hold of a hammer.
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
[To his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo]:
See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
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