A Secretary Is Not a Toy

A SECRETARY IS NOT A TOY

from the 1961 Broadway musical,

How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

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To hear this performance, go here. This seems to be the best version on youtube. Lyrics are below. The word "secretary" is repeated numerous times.

BRATT:
Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
A secretary is not a toy,
No my boy
Not a toy to fondle and dandle* [bounce on knee; pet
Or playfully handle
In search of some puerile* joy. [childish
No, a secretary is not,
Definitely not a toy.

3 MALES:
You're absolutely right, Mr. Bratt!
We wouldn't have it any other way, Mr. Bratt!
It's a company rule, Mr. Bratt!

MALE ENSEMBLE:
A secretary is not a toy,
No my boy,
not a toy.

So do not go jumping for joy,
Boy! A secretary is not,
A secretary is not,
A secretary is not a toy,

FEMALE ENSEMBLE:
A secretary is not to be
Used for play therapy*. [counseling
Be good to the girl you employ, boy;
Remember, no matter what
Neurotic* trouble you've got, [psychological
A secretary is not a toy.

She's a highly specialized key
Component of operation unity
A fine and sensitive mechanism
To serve the office community
With a mother at home
She supports.

FRUMP:
And you'll find nothing like her at F.A.O. Schwartz!

SMITTY:
A secretary is not a pet,
Nor an erector set*. [child's building toy

FRUMP & SMITTY:
It happened to Charlie McCoy, boy!
They fired him like a shot
The day the fellow forgot
A secretary is not
A toy!

COMPANY:
(Whistling)
A secretary is not a toy!
And when you put her to use,
Observe,
When you put her to use:

FRUMP:
That you don't find the name Lionel
on her caboose*! [last car of a train; derriere

FEMALE ENSEMBLE:
A secretary is not a thing
One buy key, hold by string* [abbreviated construction:
"one buys a key and then holds her by a string"
Her pad* [pun on "pad": paper/home
Is to write in,
And not spend the night in
If that's what you plan to enjoy.
No!

COMPANY:
The secretary you got,
Is definitely not
Employed to do a gavotte*, [dance
Or you know what*, [euphemism: sex
Before you jump for joy,
Remember this my boy,
A secretary is not,
A Tinker toy*! [construction toy, trademark name

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